...and I feel like I am going to die.
I am so excited to finish this but the thought that between me and Friday stands writing probably another 10000 words, then having to delete 7000, a Creative Writing competition deadline, and a new story kills me a little bit inside.
Everytime I have a panic attack/breakdown I add another shot to have next Friday.
Also, I found a razor blade that I forgot to chuck out in my room last night, and realised it's almost been a year since I last cut myself (I know, this is not a nice topic but no one reads this anyway). I haven't thrown it out yet, I really need to. For some reason I want to keep it to test myself but I know I'll use it if things get worse. There have been times in the last few months when I've raided my room for one, who knew it was under my bed the entire time. I'm scared I'll start again, I had a major panic attack when I found it last night and started crying. If I can just make it til June 11th I'll never do it again, but honest to god, this is harder than quitting smoking. I think anyway. That's probably wrong. I'm still smoking but not still cutting. But honestly? I don't think I can do both right now. People are judging me for still smoking (now that it's properly public) but they don't seem to realise I'm in the process of quitting something which I did as regularly as lighting up. So back off. I don't need it right now.
That's all I have to say, goodbye.
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