...and I feel like I am going to die.
I am so excited to finish this but the thought that between me and Friday stands writing probably another 10000 words, then having to delete 7000, a Creative Writing competition deadline, and a new story kills me a little bit inside.
Everytime I have a panic attack/breakdown I add another shot to have next Friday.
Also, I found a razor blade that I forgot to chuck out in my room last night, and realised it's almost been a year since I last cut myself (I know, this is not a nice topic but no one reads this anyway). I haven't thrown it out yet, I really need to. For some reason I want to keep it to test myself but I know I'll use it if things get worse. There have been times in the last few months when I've raided my room for one, who knew it was under my bed the entire time. I'm scared I'll start again, I had a major panic attack when I found it last night and started crying. If I can just make it til June 11th I'll never do it again, but honest to god, this is harder than quitting smoking. I think anyway. That's probably wrong. I'm still smoking but not still cutting. But honestly? I don't think I can do both right now. People are judging me for still smoking (now that it's properly public) but they don't seem to realise I'm in the process of quitting something which I did as regularly as lighting up. So back off. I don't need it right now.
That's all I have to say, goodbye.
Friday, 29 April 2011
Sunday, 24 April 2011
24/4/11
There goes my blogging resolution huh? Ah well. Life is ridiculously busy right now anyway, I don't have time to blog!
Except now, I am in a 'secret' room (basically one first years don't know about) in the MacRobert building at Uni trying and failing to hit the half way mark of my dissertation. I would be doing fine, except I forgot to bring in the work I did at home yesterday and Friday and so now am trying to work on 'Rebecca' instead so I don't lose time, and let's just say it's not my favourite book of all time. My topic is how romance fiction is antifeminist which honestly is very interesting but it isn't half making me bitter and cynical, especially since I'm going through a break up from a complete douchebag (long story).
But yeah, on the 6th of May it'll be finished, bound, and handed in. And this will all feel like a dream. And I will be so very VERY drunk.
After that I have one submission for Creative Writing and that'll be all my coursework finished. I have no exams for this term so that will be me finished Uni forever. It's such an odd feeling. My friend Jenn was telling me she was looking through photos of us in 1st year and we look so different. So young and naive. It seems strange to say that I know, it was only 3 years ago, but when I sat down and thought about everything that has happened since I got very overwhelmed and proud of both me and my friends who have been there since the beginning. It's so sad that the end has come, even though we've been wishing for it for ages. I just think it's the goodbyes I don't want to deal with. My friend Jenn and I see each other pretty much everyday, we feel odd if we don't speak one day, and we send each other 'night night' BBMS. It may seem strange but it's just us. She's moving home to Newcastle at the end of May and as much as I know we will always be friends it's really bumming me out that we will no longer be living in the same city. My flatmate Reah, too, is moving to Malta with her parents this summer. She says she's just going for a holiday to see how she likes it but I honestly don't think she'll come back. As much as I'm sure I get on her nerves I love living with her. Our disturbing and odd conversations are the best way to end the days. It's going to be very strange. Alex has gotten a permanent job as a graphic designer in Nottingham too, which I am SO proud of her for, but she leaves next week, and I don't really want her to go.
I know, I know. Life moves on. We all go our own separate ways at some point. But whilst I'm the oldest out of my closest friends (bar Claire) I can't help but feel the least ready to deal with these changes. But that's getting too deep and personal.
I'm having trouble finding a job for after uni. My current plan is to stay in Aberdeen with a 6 month lease with my friend Kenny (YAY!!!) after my current one ends in July and do a TEFL course. I've heard a lot about CELTA being better but as I am not completely sure if I want to do this as a career yet I'm not going to part with £1000 for it. Then hopefully I'll be able to find some sort of job abroad, just for a few months, and then Jenn and I are going to trek around India for a month. And then it's one of my best friend's weddings in July 2012 which I am SO excited for. But after that? Who knows. It sounds silly and very adolescent but I know who I want to be with, and be with after all this is finished, I'm just waiting for him to sort his head out and figure out if he wants the same. But that's another story too.
ANYWAY
Exciting things coming up:
I turn 22 on Wednesday and my lovely friends and I are going for a picnic in the park and playing rounders, then going for a few drinks. SO EXCITED! I may be turning 22 but I may as well be turning 12 again. Even my friend Layla is coming which I'm really excited about.
6th of May = dissertation hand in + shots.
11th-13th June = ROCKNESS!!!!! Reah has a tent her room but I still don't think she's bought her ticket yet. Not gonna lie, little bit antsy.
13th- 20th June = Grandaddy visit :) I hardly ever see him so it'll be lovely. My dad's taking us all down to Edinburgh for a few days too.
5th of July = GRADUATION DAY!!!!!!
6th of July = Graduation ball!!!! Must remember to go to the gym.
After all that, who knows. After all my deadlines I am going to start doing some freelance writing, cause through all this confusion I know that is definitely something I want to do.
As rambly as the post has been, it's all good in the hood :)
Except now, I am in a 'secret' room (basically one first years don't know about) in the MacRobert building at Uni trying and failing to hit the half way mark of my dissertation. I would be doing fine, except I forgot to bring in the work I did at home yesterday and Friday and so now am trying to work on 'Rebecca' instead so I don't lose time, and let's just say it's not my favourite book of all time. My topic is how romance fiction is antifeminist which honestly is very interesting but it isn't half making me bitter and cynical, especially since I'm going through a break up from a complete douchebag (long story).
But yeah, on the 6th of May it'll be finished, bound, and handed in. And this will all feel like a dream. And I will be so very VERY drunk.
After that I have one submission for Creative Writing and that'll be all my coursework finished. I have no exams for this term so that will be me finished Uni forever. It's such an odd feeling. My friend Jenn was telling me she was looking through photos of us in 1st year and we look so different. So young and naive. It seems strange to say that I know, it was only 3 years ago, but when I sat down and thought about everything that has happened since I got very overwhelmed and proud of both me and my friends who have been there since the beginning. It's so sad that the end has come, even though we've been wishing for it for ages. I just think it's the goodbyes I don't want to deal with. My friend Jenn and I see each other pretty much everyday, we feel odd if we don't speak one day, and we send each other 'night night' BBMS. It may seem strange but it's just us. She's moving home to Newcastle at the end of May and as much as I know we will always be friends it's really bumming me out that we will no longer be living in the same city. My flatmate Reah, too, is moving to Malta with her parents this summer. She says she's just going for a holiday to see how she likes it but I honestly don't think she'll come back. As much as I'm sure I get on her nerves I love living with her. Our disturbing and odd conversations are the best way to end the days. It's going to be very strange. Alex has gotten a permanent job as a graphic designer in Nottingham too, which I am SO proud of her for, but she leaves next week, and I don't really want her to go.
I know, I know. Life moves on. We all go our own separate ways at some point. But whilst I'm the oldest out of my closest friends (bar Claire) I can't help but feel the least ready to deal with these changes. But that's getting too deep and personal.
I'm having trouble finding a job for after uni. My current plan is to stay in Aberdeen with a 6 month lease with my friend Kenny (YAY!!!) after my current one ends in July and do a TEFL course. I've heard a lot about CELTA being better but as I am not completely sure if I want to do this as a career yet I'm not going to part with £1000 for it. Then hopefully I'll be able to find some sort of job abroad, just for a few months, and then Jenn and I are going to trek around India for a month. And then it's one of my best friend's weddings in July 2012 which I am SO excited for. But after that? Who knows. It sounds silly and very adolescent but I know who I want to be with, and be with after all this is finished, I'm just waiting for him to sort his head out and figure out if he wants the same. But that's another story too.
ANYWAY
Exciting things coming up:
I turn 22 on Wednesday and my lovely friends and I are going for a picnic in the park and playing rounders, then going for a few drinks. SO EXCITED! I may be turning 22 but I may as well be turning 12 again. Even my friend Layla is coming which I'm really excited about.
6th of May = dissertation hand in + shots.
11th-13th June = ROCKNESS!!!!! Reah has a tent her room but I still don't think she's bought her ticket yet. Not gonna lie, little bit antsy.
13th- 20th June = Grandaddy visit :) I hardly ever see him so it'll be lovely. My dad's taking us all down to Edinburgh for a few days too.
5th of July = GRADUATION DAY!!!!!!
6th of July = Graduation ball!!!! Must remember to go to the gym.
After all that, who knows. After all my deadlines I am going to start doing some freelance writing, cause through all this confusion I know that is definitely something I want to do.
As rambly as the post has been, it's all good in the hood :)
Monday, 10 January 2011
Happy New Year!
iiiiyiiiii!
Man I am so happy to see a new year! 2011 is going to be full of so many changes- scary but awesome!
I started a blog all about new year resolutions but decided it was too personal and rambly. This year I have a few major ones, I am going to lose a lot of weight in time for graduation, I say this every year but this time I am so dedicated and ready to put the work in. On that note I'm GOING TO GRADUATE. My exams are next week and I have really stepped it up a notch on the revision front. Getting to the library every day for 9am, when it opens, and staying til at least 6 or 7 at night. It's long and tiring but you know, it's only two weeks of my life- who cares if I have no social life right now? I even deactivated my facebook. I haven't had more than 2 days without logging in for like over three years. I know, I'm addicted! I am making a few more health changes too but that's about it.
Started thinking about my future a lot, have been considering opening a cupcake bakery after graduation, seriously. I have been baking a lot lately and am working on perfecting my cupcakes. It sounds lame but I honestly have so much fun when I'm baking, it just makes me happy :)
Apart from that I am still loving every minute of living with Reah, we have so many giggles and life is just... fun! With the exception of one person we have had no drama whatsoever. And even when this person is involved it's not really drama, just really 'ughhhh! why?' and then get on with our day. It really is an awesome set up we have. Simple, happy days :) We're talking about living together next year too, but getting a house with other people too. That's if I stay in Aberdeen though, which I kinda wanna do.
Anyway it's time to head to bed and do some more reading. Dedication is my middle name! I can't wait to start gyming it again, it's so satisfying after a workout I just have no time right now.
Hope you're all well- adios lovers!
Man I am so happy to see a new year! 2011 is going to be full of so many changes- scary but awesome!
I started a blog all about new year resolutions but decided it was too personal and rambly. This year I have a few major ones, I am going to lose a lot of weight in time for graduation, I say this every year but this time I am so dedicated and ready to put the work in. On that note I'm GOING TO GRADUATE. My exams are next week and I have really stepped it up a notch on the revision front. Getting to the library every day for 9am, when it opens, and staying til at least 6 or 7 at night. It's long and tiring but you know, it's only two weeks of my life- who cares if I have no social life right now? I even deactivated my facebook. I haven't had more than 2 days without logging in for like over three years. I know, I'm addicted! I am making a few more health changes too but that's about it.
Started thinking about my future a lot, have been considering opening a cupcake bakery after graduation, seriously. I have been baking a lot lately and am working on perfecting my cupcakes. It sounds lame but I honestly have so much fun when I'm baking, it just makes me happy :)
Apart from that I am still loving every minute of living with Reah, we have so many giggles and life is just... fun! With the exception of one person we have had no drama whatsoever. And even when this person is involved it's not really drama, just really 'ughhhh! why?' and then get on with our day. It really is an awesome set up we have. Simple, happy days :) We're talking about living together next year too, but getting a house with other people too. That's if I stay in Aberdeen though, which I kinda wanna do.
Anyway it's time to head to bed and do some more reading. Dedication is my middle name! I can't wait to start gyming it again, it's so satisfying after a workout I just have no time right now.
Hope you're all well- adios lovers!
Wednesday, 29 December 2010
I last blogged over a year ago and by god how things have changed in that time! But at the same time they haven't in some respects.
I am not the same girl I was when I wrote those entries though, that is for sure. I'm not going to be so bold to say I'm a better person, but definitely a lot more mature. With all the things that I have been through in these past 16 months I have had no choice but to grow up and move on. I was even considering deleting all those posts and starting afresh, but I want them there to serve as a reminder, a reminder of how far someone can come if they just man up and deal with their shit.
That's enough rambling for now.
In 3 days it is 2011. My mum and sister moved to Yorkshire in March and so I am down there right now. I was meant to be staying 'til the 7th but due to the desperate need to revise and other circumstances which I will not divulge I am leaving on Friday now and having what is sure to be an interesting Hogmanay with my roomie and a group of her friends.
I am so excited for 2011, but so scared at the same time. With the moving of my family I am pretty much independent in Aberdeen, and as of July I will no longer be getting support from my father. Enter real world Kat. I am not ready for it but I have no choice but to be. It's different for me though, I refuse to move here after graduation, and also refuse to move in with my dad. So it really is graduate-> get a job-> get a flat (hopefully with Reah again)-> real world.
It is strange to think that in 6 months time that will all be sorted, when here I am right now shitting myself about it and kidding myself into thinking that it won't happen for a long time.
That probably made no sense.
It's time for 2011. A new start. A lot is changing, both out of free will and of their own accord. Wish me luck!
I'm going to keep this blog up, I miss blogging :)
Sorry if that made no sense! Adios :)
I am not the same girl I was when I wrote those entries though, that is for sure. I'm not going to be so bold to say I'm a better person, but definitely a lot more mature. With all the things that I have been through in these past 16 months I have had no choice but to grow up and move on. I was even considering deleting all those posts and starting afresh, but I want them there to serve as a reminder, a reminder of how far someone can come if they just man up and deal with their shit.
That's enough rambling for now.
In 3 days it is 2011. My mum and sister moved to Yorkshire in March and so I am down there right now. I was meant to be staying 'til the 7th but due to the desperate need to revise and other circumstances which I will not divulge I am leaving on Friday now and having what is sure to be an interesting Hogmanay with my roomie and a group of her friends.
I am so excited for 2011, but so scared at the same time. With the moving of my family I am pretty much independent in Aberdeen, and as of July I will no longer be getting support from my father. Enter real world Kat. I am not ready for it but I have no choice but to be. It's different for me though, I refuse to move here after graduation, and also refuse to move in with my dad. So it really is graduate-> get a job-> get a flat (hopefully with Reah again)-> real world.
It is strange to think that in 6 months time that will all be sorted, when here I am right now shitting myself about it and kidding myself into thinking that it won't happen for a long time.
That probably made no sense.
It's time for 2011. A new start. A lot is changing, both out of free will and of their own accord. Wish me luck!
I'm going to keep this blog up, I miss blogging :)
Sorry if that made no sense! Adios :)
Monday, 17 August 2009
Friday I'm in Love
So, you know when you take everything down off your walls in order to paint them respectably and end up taking a sharpie and writing all over them that you've got a problem. Or, maybe not a problem... just confusion, the need to sort things out in my head. And what I wrote on the walls really did help.
Therapy I guess.
So I guess things have gone a bit down hill since my last post. I've had a pretty rough week, a bit topsy turvy, upsetting, confusing. But filled with love- that's for sure.
Someone up there isn't on my side right now, so it's time to fucking fight back.
Therapy I guess.
So I guess things have gone a bit down hill since my last post. I've had a pretty rough week, a bit topsy turvy, upsetting, confusing. But filled with love- that's for sure.
Someone up there isn't on my side right now, so it's time to fucking fight back.
Thursday, 6 August 2009
Born in the 80's, grew up in the 90's
So, for the past six weeks (yes it has taken me this long, and I am not even finished yet) I have been sorting out my room to make it look like someone lives there and like a girls room.
I can honestly say that for the first time in about 2 years, i can walk around my room. everything is usually piled to about my height. It has made me great at climbing I must say.
So seeing as my mum is selling up and moving away i proceeded to sort out 20 years worth of shit that has accumulated in room. I have actually been living down memory lane!
I didn't keep out everything to blog, that kinda defeats the purpose of tidying, but I've photographed a few treasures I want to share with you =]
(btw, the screen on my camera is broken, hence crappy photos)
Sooo, first up are my pompoms :] When I was in the preteens i was obsessed with cheerleading and really wanted to be one. So i made one of my parents buy these for me from Toys R Us and had great fun last night dancing around my room to Blondie with them =]
next, sorry it's squint but a Hearsay poster! I laughed so hard when I found this! I actually think it was on my wall for a month then I realised they sucked!
Two in one with this one! First off, Sylvanian families! Faaar too cute for words! I always wanted the huge mansion, but my mum couldn't afford it so got me this instead, which I utterly adored, and still do. I also found the canal boat which I remember being constantly amused by!
The next is DREAM PHONE!!!!!!! Ohmygod i got SO excited when I found this! I remember the very last time I played it with my friend the batteries were dying and the voice came out kinda like a horror movie, just really warped and scary! We never played again after that! But i'm tempted to go get some batteries for it.
this was my first ever lunch box. it did have sooty and sweep on the front but i got embarassed and covered it with stickers. i remember the days of having cool lunch boxes, i truly do miss being 6 years old. i think i might get a lunch box for uni you know... i'll go retro!
this was in my bathroom for like the first 15 years of my life. and i memorised it, and fell in love with it. so my mum said i could have it in my room, and i am uber chuffed!
and THIS i painted in 3rd year art class, and honestly it's probably the best thing i've ever painted. so i put it on my wall cos i think it's pretty damn cool!
so there you have it! btw my caps lock key ain't working hence the lack of capital letters in this ramble =] poor mrsebastian :(
also, i just want to share with you guys my favourite song of the moment. it's called million miles by fuel and kinda sums up how i feel in my heart right now.
I can honestly say that for the first time in about 2 years, i can walk around my room. everything is usually piled to about my height. It has made me great at climbing I must say.
So seeing as my mum is selling up and moving away i proceeded to sort out 20 years worth of shit that has accumulated in room. I have actually been living down memory lane!
I didn't keep out everything to blog, that kinda defeats the purpose of tidying, but I've photographed a few treasures I want to share with you =]
(btw, the screen on my camera is broken, hence crappy photos)
Sooo, first up are my pompoms :] When I was in the preteens i was obsessed with cheerleading and really wanted to be one. So i made one of my parents buy these for me from Toys R Us and had great fun last night dancing around my room to Blondie with them =]
next, sorry it's squint but a Hearsay poster! I laughed so hard when I found this! I actually think it was on my wall for a month then I realised they sucked!
Two in one with this one! First off, Sylvanian families! Faaar too cute for words! I always wanted the huge mansion, but my mum couldn't afford it so got me this instead, which I utterly adored, and still do. I also found the canal boat which I remember being constantly amused by!
The next is DREAM PHONE!!!!!!! Ohmygod i got SO excited when I found this! I remember the very last time I played it with my friend the batteries were dying and the voice came out kinda like a horror movie, just really warped and scary! We never played again after that! But i'm tempted to go get some batteries for it.
this was my first ever lunch box. it did have sooty and sweep on the front but i got embarassed and covered it with stickers. i remember the days of having cool lunch boxes, i truly do miss being 6 years old. i think i might get a lunch box for uni you know... i'll go retro!
this was in my bathroom for like the first 15 years of my life. and i memorised it, and fell in love with it. so my mum said i could have it in my room, and i am uber chuffed!
and THIS i painted in 3rd year art class, and honestly it's probably the best thing i've ever painted. so i put it on my wall cos i think it's pretty damn cool!
so there you have it! btw my caps lock key ain't working hence the lack of capital letters in this ramble =] poor mrsebastian :(
also, i just want to share with you guys my favourite song of the moment. it's called million miles by fuel and kinda sums up how i feel in my heart right now.
Wednesday, 29 July 2009
Ever wonder if you've made the biggest mistake of your life?
Ever wonder why one little change can conflict your heart in so many ways?
Ever wonder why nothing is what it seems?
Ever wonder why life is so hard?
Ever wonder if there's a point?
Ever wish you could turn back the clock and change it all?
Ever wonder why one little fight means you lose someone you love?
I miss you.
Ever wonder why one little change can conflict your heart in so many ways?
Ever wonder why nothing is what it seems?
Ever wonder why life is so hard?
Ever wonder if there's a point?
Ever wish you could turn back the clock and change it all?
Ever wonder why one little fight means you lose someone you love?
I miss you.
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