Friday I'm in Love

So, you know when you take everything down off your walls in order to paint them respectably and end up taking a sharpie and writing all over them that you've got a problem. Or, maybe not a problem... just confusion, the need to sort things out in my head. And what I wrote on the walls really did help.
Therapy I guess.
So I guess things have gone a bit down hill since my last post. I've had a pretty rough week, a bit topsy turvy, upsetting, confusing. But filled with love- that's for sure.
Someone up there isn't on my side right now, so it's time to fucking fight back.

Born in the 80's, grew up in the 90's

So, for the past six weeks (yes it has taken me this long, and I am not even finished yet) I have been sorting out my room to make it look like someone lives there and like a girls room.
I can honestly say that for the first time in about 2 years, i can walk around my room. everything is usually piled to about my height. It has made me great at climbing I must say.
So seeing as my mum is selling up and moving away i proceeded to sort out 20 years worth of shit that has accumulated in room. I have actually been living down memory lane!
I didn't keep out everything to blog, that kinda defeats the purpose of tidying, but I've photographed a few treasures I want to share with you =]
(btw, the screen on my camera is broken, hence crappy photos)



Sooo, first up are my pompoms :] When I was in the preteens i was obsessed with cheerleading and really wanted to be one. So i made one of my parents buy these for me from Toys R Us and had great fun last night dancing around my room to Blondie with them =]




next, sorry it's squint but a Hearsay poster! I laughed so hard when I found this! I actually think it was on my wall for a month then I realised they sucked!




Two in one with this one! First off, Sylvanian families! Faaar too cute for words! I always wanted the huge mansion, but my mum couldn't afford it so got me this instead, which I utterly adored, and still do. I also found the canal boat which I remember being constantly amused by!
The next is DREAM PHONE!!!!!!! Ohmygod i got SO excited when I found this! I remember the very last time I played it with my friend the batteries were dying and the voice came out kinda like a horror movie, just really warped and scary! We never played again after that! But i'm tempted to go get some batteries for it.



this was my first ever lunch box. it did have sooty and sweep on the front but i got embarassed and covered it with stickers. i remember the days of having cool lunch boxes, i truly do miss being 6 years old. i think i might get a lunch box for uni you know... i'll go retro!



this was in my bathroom for like the first 15 years of my life. and i memorised it, and fell in love with it. so my mum said i could have it in my room, and i am uber chuffed!



and THIS i painted in 3rd year art class, and honestly it's probably the best thing i've ever painted. so i put it on my wall cos i think it's pretty damn cool!


so there you have it! btw my caps lock key ain't working hence the lack of capital letters in this ramble =] poor mrsebastian :(

also, i just want to share with you guys my favourite song of the moment. it's called million miles by fuel and kinda sums up how i feel in my heart right now.

Ever wonder if you've made the biggest mistake of your life?
Ever wonder why one little change can conflict your heart in so many ways?
Ever wonder why nothing is what it seems?
Ever wonder why life is so hard?
Ever wonder if there's a point?
Ever wish you could turn back the clock and change it all?
Ever wonder why one little fight means you lose someone you love?


I miss you.

Jim Fixed It For Me

Absolutely beautiful weekend. But now a huge decision needs to be made. But I'm definitely swaying towards saying yes.

Dear Jim;
Can you fix it for me to find an incredible guy who loves me just as I am, flaws in all, and wants to be with me for a very long time?

Yours, Kat, aged 20 years old.


I am now the proud owner of this bag thanks to the boy Jim found for me.




Also I love and hate my job. I love it because it's sooo cool, a lot of fun, I meet lots of people, and I really enjoy it.
I hate it because it proves I have no willpower.

How cute is the penguin necklace?


I am also the proud owner of this. My boss better watch out if I win the lotto. The whole stall will be sold in a day.

Final point, a photo of this will be uploaded soon, but Tom and mine's minds created this alone. An elephant and penguin mate (my two favourite animals btw) and they make an Eleguin! Too cute for words. I'll put up a photo of our drawing once I get a new camera...


Adios.

Sorry to blog twice in one day

World Challenge and my book.
That's all I've been thinking about all day.
Making people proud is all I want to do right now.
I went through so much during World Challenge, and I can only imagine what my leaders went through watching me deal with it. I want to experience that feeling of excitement, and accomplishment.
So World Challenge leader is what I've been aiming for for a long time, and now it's for real.

I also want you to read a poem that I am very proud of. The title is "Four Years" but like the poem that needs some work. Constructive criticism is always accepted.

Fly away on the wings of a dove,
Never again do I want to love.
So I wrote at the age of sixteen,
All the things you did and said
All they did was demean.

Four years have passed since that day
And even if I think I'm fixed,
I still have no words to say.

Six attempts down the line,
The last one eleven days past.
Take it as fate,
Claim everything's fine.

Love will tear us apart,
Or so we have been told.
So why this pressure?
To find the one before we grow old.

"I'll be there forever" you said,
False words and promises,
I lay in my room dead.

You promised you'd do it too,
That if we left together,
Then all our pain would be through.
But you never did,
A plight to kill me?
You've failed Mr. Burbidge.

This is my final goodbye,
If I don't make it through the night,
You'll know why.

But then again,
I've proved myself a fighter.
My hate for you is far too strong,
But those four years have made me a little lighter.

My thoughts are confused,
For once again I have loved and lost.
But after the initial pain,
No one else will suffer at my cost.

Think of this what you will,
A new beginning
A symbol of strength,
I am something you will not kill.


What do you think?



One Tree Hill is exciting me about new relationships and first dates. I hate to sound cheesy but I am finally ready to properly move on.

One Tree Hill

I'm on my fifth episode of the day (I don't actually have a life, just to let you know) and have discovered that I want Lucas Scott's life. Not the whole falling in love with a not very pretty girl thing. But writing a story about my life, a great epic story. And it being so loved that the world is turned upside down by it.


If I can't have that, can I have Chad Michael Murray instead please?




Thank you :)

The Love of my Life

Her name is Edna, and she is a beauty.
Unfortunately she doesn't belong to me, she's all my best friend's.
But I swear, this gorgeous lady never fails to cheer me up, no matter what is going on, just like her incredible owner :).

I thought I should dedicate something to her though. Who needs men when beautiful cars like Edna exist in the world?

"Just being inside her makes me happy"

"You are stronger than this..."

I have had THE worst day of my life, ever. I swear. When it gets to almost 9pm and you're crying at a bus stop in Aberdeen you know it's time to go home and eat a whole bar of Galaxy.
All I have to say is (I am very creeped out right now and don't want to divulge too much online) there are a LOT of sick sick people out there. And plastering your life all over the internet probably leaves you open to such things. So hello private profiles and the deletion of certain social networking sites.
Whoever did this to me is going to pay.

Sad face :(

My Life Would Suck Without You

Everyone has the friends, the ones they claim are better than anyone elses. "My friends are the best so don't even try and compare to them"
Well guess what? I actually HAVE those friends who are better than all others.
Everyone always talks about the love between two people, who are so perfect for each other it makes you feel sick. They fall in love; have the rough spell; and then find each other once more, usually in the most romantic and unbelievable ways. I myself dreamt of going to meet someone off of a train, whilst wearing a beautiful princessy dress ala Carrie in Sex and the City, and forcing him to see what he had given up, to see that he truly did love me. Of course it was my best friends who managed to convince me that my life ISN'T a movie, and that going out and getting drunk would be a much better expenditure of my time.
However, why is it no one talks about other love? The true love that can be found within our closest friends. The love that I feel for "the family" (or at least that is what we used to call ourselves) doesn't exactly rival the butterflies that romantic love can give you, but it is definitely much less filled with drama and tears.
So yes, I have met someone, and fallen for him already. It's all a bit complicated right now but hopefully my relationship status will be changing soon. However, if it doesn't work out the way I want it to (and I don't have the best track record with men) then it's OK. Because I have finally realised that as much as I would like someone to cuddle, all I truly need right now, and arguably ever, is those friends who have given me the best memories I could ever ask for, and never fail to put a smile on my face.
You can never call me unloved, because as long as you give some love out, you're always going to get some back.

"Have you ever been in love?"
"Abso-fucking-lutely"

My tattoo is very scabby...

These past few days have been so surreal and yet so amazing. Saturday night was spent at Moopilicious' house, drinking copious amounts of wine, watching High School Musical and reminscing about how good it was to be young and drunk. Even though we didn't spend our young and drunk days together I feel like I've known her pretty much my whole life. It's been a whirlwind friendship I suppose you could say.
Then the Sunday was spent unpacking and having sentimental moments in my bedroom. I found the first thing I ever bought at Green Heaven too, a wee bracelet that says 'le chat'. If I'd known then I would be working there now I'd have laughed! I never saw this coming.
Monday was gym day with Reah after a lovely lunch in Ellon with my mum and sister. Except Reah and I didn't actually do much gym-ing! We got lost on the way there and then were told that we needed to have an induction in order to actually work out. So next Wednesday WILL be the start of the gym sessions! And I swear to god, by the end of this summer I WILL be where I want to be. I already feel like I've lost some weight. Well I know I have, my apple dress fits again, which greatly pleased me when I was wearing it today. Anyway Monday night I majorly exercised my liver at Quids. It was very messy! I also found out that night that my twenty two year old sister was getting drunk in the local park whilst I was sitting in a pub with my bestests. Sherer was out too! I really missed that boy (he's my old flatmate for all of you who don't know me) so it was good to see him. I love the Bobbin, I was so unbelievably drunk by last orders and even though I couldn't really speak the barman STILL served me two double vodkas! Madness! And as far as I know the whole night ended with tequila and texting my ex-boyfriend. Not the wisest of moves. I was NOT proud of myself the next morning!
Tuesday doesn't exist as I was too hungover to be aware of anything.
And today I was in a deliriously happy mood, though realised I have limited bullshit tolerance for idiots who come into Green Heaven. I know I'm no expert on body jewellrey, but at least I have some common sense when it comes to it! Though I bought a gorgeous new bag and got new shoes with Reah's discount. So life is good.

That's about all I have to say really. I have a feeling in 10 days time I will have a love story for all you readers though :)

Deep question of the day- would you rather live without love or money and why?

Love love
xxxx

I learnt yesterday....

That when you're heavily pregnant you can't lie on your front. I think that's a shame. I like lying on my front. It's better than lying on your back.


And on that note...off to work I go!
xxxxx

Everything is going wrong but we're so happy!

Actually, nothing is going wrong, in fact things are going pretty amazingly right now. I am so thankful that this summer is all about chilling and writing, plus the occasional shift. Working full time at the food court last summer killed my soul; it was the most miserable summer of my life. Apart from the parties and occasional night out, Portugal and Edinburgh it was pretty dump. But it could have been worse seeing as one of my best friends spent her summer in bed dying (not literally but she was pretty sodding ill)
Anyway this summer has already made up for '08. Last night was so amazing, too lovely for words. Nat and I just sat in the middle of open countryside watching the sunset over the fields, whilst having some cider and shandy and deep conversations about life and the future. It was so gorgeous; and it really made us realise just how beautiful this town can be. It sounds lame, it's only Ellon after all. Most people just give us sympathetic looks when we tell them where we're from, if they're one of the few who knows where it is. But really, whilst there's nothing much to do, and they don't cater for the young adults at all on the clubbing front, it really is beautiful.



We also came up with the perfect idea for my first novel, along with a title and the last words. I am so excited to start it, it's actually getting started after this blog.
I really haven't felt this positive about everything in a long time and I absolutely love it. So there are a few things going wrong, but I'm coping and dealing with them the way I need to. But I am clearly not letting it get me down. Life is good right now, too good for words. I am very excited for this summer and the future too; it's bright!

Also, in Nat's words "it's like 6th year all over again" if we're talking about my love life here. I find it all very funny that I've reverted back to this. Honestly if I'd bumped into him 4 months ago I wouldn't have been so depressed about it all. Oh well, what is meant to be will be.

So I'm away to go start my first novel, and put some moisturiser on my very sunburnt neck.

Toodles :)

Nonsensical ramblings.

The weirdest thing happened to me today. It's going to sound dumb but for the first time since I was about twelve years old I fell off my bike. (The ten year old who rode into me remained unscathed, bitch) But it's weird, it got me thinking for the next mile and a half about life, and the importance of memories. I was just cycling along in the blistering heat and then "Hide and Seek" by Imogen Heap came onto my iPod and all of a sudden it took me back to being seventeen again. I used to cycle along the old railway line to escape from life at home, pretending I was training for World Challenge but really I just wanted some peace and quiet. The lyrics in that song seemed so appropriate for the time too.
So my question for today is, do you ever wish you were just ten years old again? Or just really young, before all the complicated shit started happening? Does growing up mean life's getting better and knowing about the world is a positive thing rather than altogether frightening?
Is ignorance truly bliss?

Take a risk, take a chance, make a change

I've been thinking a lot about memories today. It's so strange to think that three years ago today I was in Guatemala, recovering from the first trek up that active volcano. So much has happened in that time, so much hurt, so much drama. Love, pain, untaintable happiness. It's so weird to think that I was such a different person back then. Whether or not I'm a better person now is highly debateable. One thing's for sure, I have definitely grown up a lot, whether people choose to believe that fact or not.
I have to ask all you readers out there one thing, if you could take one landmark in your life, just one- good or bad, it doesn't matter, and do it all completely differently - would you take the chance? You could turn out completely differently if you did, your life would be turned upside down. Or it might not change at all, it could just be a subtle difference- a faster metabolism, an unbroken heart, a different hair colour. This all being said, would you do it, just for curiosity's sake?
But then again, if you DID go back and change it all, then fast forward back to your life now, would you even be aware that it was all different? Would the memory of your previous life still be there, or would you never know? What if your nearest and dearest were aware of the changes but you weren't? I was about to say "if only this were possible, huh?"; but whether or not I want this option is a conflicting decision in itself.
I could go back three years and do the whole World Challenge so so differently, and probably come out of it even stronger than I did in the end. I could go back six months and not fall head over heels in love. How amazing would life be if we knew how our actions would affect us in the future? I guess that's life for you, you never know what cards are going to be dealt to you, and in a way it doesn't matter on the cards at all. Life, in my opinion, is how you deal with those cards, how you bluff, how you assemble them, which ones you collect and which ones you discard. (Can you tell I don't play Poker?) Those cards aren't the important aspects, it's the players behind them.
I'm no expert to be honest. I'm just a twenty year old girl who thinks too much and has far too much time on her hands. All I know is that you shouldn't give up on the cards life gives you, even if it is a cruel hand. Because when you turn that cruel hand around to play in your favour is when you really show everyone what an incredible person you truly are.
Never give up on what could be an exceptional turn of events. Remember, the more you sweat in practice the less you bleed in battle. Even if the turn of events is negative on the face of it, you're going to learn to love them in the end because of who you have become out if them.

Again, not making much sense anymore. On another note, my cat is a bastard. I tried to cuddle him today for the first time since being home and he mauled my hand.

Adios.

One day I'll write something decent...

Why is everyone in Scotland forced to apply for University when they are about to leave school? This is what's really preying on my mind right now. I am at University, yes. Whilst I love it I can't help but imagine my teachers' faces if I had told them I intended to leave school and just write until I was published. They seem to implant the idea into our minds that without any sort of degree or national certificate we won't get anywhere in our lives. I love my course, my degree, my experience of Uni' so far; but in all honesty if I hadn't gotten into my third year (which was not confirmed until a week ago) I truly wouldn't care. All I have ever wanted to do is write, that and a post lady is all I have ever wanted to BE. So why have I been forced into what has just turned into a means to an end? I have been a good-for-nothing student for two years now, and despite the absolutely incredible friends I have found; all I truly have to show for it is a couple of grand of debt, many many drunken photos, and a better knowledge of what books I should be reading rather than Harry Potter. I think UCAS should advertise University as "the best drunken experience you'll ever have and the last time you'll get away with it". Because, truthfully, saying it's the beginning of the rest of our lives is just a little too frightening for fresh out of school eighteen year olds.
I've lost my train of thought again, I seem to do that a lot. My mum and sister are sitting here watching Primeval and I don't think they realise that I am actually spending this summer making very positive steps towards my chosen career. So much has happened this year, and it has affected me more than most people know; it's because of this that I finally feel inspired to write something meaningful, that will last. All I want is to write one book, or even one story, which turns that girl or boy sitting in their room late at night crying for a reason they can't even remember around. If I can do that, turn one person away from the brink of them making the biggest mistake of their lives, then I have done my job, and I will truly feel like my dream has been fulfilled.
Of course, being as rich as JK Rowling wouldn't be awful either. And visa vi my previous post, falling in love like I did earlier on this year would be utterly fantastic.
Love and money- that's not too much to ask for, is it?

Start of something new...

So I have for some reason given into the blog trend, something which should hopefully keep me occupied this summer.
So I'm going to start it off with some things that have been preying on my mind for some time now, and hopefully they will make you think; either about how pretentious I sound when I talk about this shit, or about what you should really be worried about at this age.

I guess these thoughts all started four months ago. I hate to say that the thing which started it all off was an experience of how badly a heart can actually break. It made me wonder if two people can actually stay together for, well, ever. 'Til death do they part. Or is it just a false dream that Hollywood and Disney plant into the heads of naiive seven year old girls, who then grow up to believe that one day their prince WILL come. But what if that's not how it works? What if there ISN'T someone out there for everyone, that soulmates don't actually exist? Perhaps when we 'fall in love' with someone at this age, it isn't actually love, it's forcing ourselves to conform to what has been fed into our minds. Or maybe, it's all self-preservation instead, to stop ourselves from feeling lonely, insignificant. To help us forget the other things happening in our lives, dysfunctional families, failing grades, disloyal friends. Is it because of all these things that we attach ourselves to people we force ourselves to believe we love? If there are soulmates in the world, how can we love more than one person in our lifetime? I, personally, have been in love- deep deep love. Right now the thought of loving someone else seems absurd to me, but I loved before him, and he has loved after me. The heartbreak is not what tears me up, it is the unknown, the insecurity of not having that one person there for you, who no matter what thinks the sun shines out of your ass. That is possibly the only awful thing about the single life, because let's face it, it IS a lot of fun if you do it right and respectably.
But even if you do meet the person who you believe is 'the one'; how will you ever know that there is no one else out there more perfect than this person who you have luckily found? I'm sorry to fill your love lives with cynicism and doubt, but I don't know if I can fully believe that once you meet the 'perfect' partner you will never get bored. It just doesn't seem plausible that two people can mate for life. It's so rare you see two people so perfect for one another that you know they will be together forever.
Saying this, I have had first row seat to such a fairytale for the past two years, they are the only ones that are giving me a little hope in my cynical heart.
I feel like I am not making sense anymore. Sorry for getting deep on my first blog.
I hope I am proved wrong of course, and that there is a soulmate out there for everyone, and that it isn't someone who broke your heart horribly or cheated on you. That they're just new, and amazing, and so so right for you.
Until next time...
Ciao